Distancing and Homeland Security

I continue to browse My Documents for worthy entries to this blog. I liked this when I read it and am happy to present it to you, my readers.



Distancing is a perfectly natural way of protecting one’s self from harm. How else do you get out of the way of the slings and arrows of the enemy?

Distance: Move to a place they can not get to you or if they do, they are infrequent enough your wounds are healed and you can sustain another later.

It is the same as with the hurts of the psychological self as with the physical self

When we distance, however, from psychological hurts, we are not protecting ourselves but harming ourselves.

Here is the reason.

Relationship with others needs to be close enough to sustain a wound and strong enough not to receive one.

Let me put that another way.

Do you remember the old rhyme. “Sticks and Stones may break my bones; but names will never hurt me?” As a child, I chanted that from across a dirt road at the “rival” bunch of kids who were throwing clods of dirt at me. “A clod fight” we called it and every neighborhood kid, but the very meek engaged in it.

When I was old enough to really have my feelings hurt by what someone said, I found that “names” did hurt me. I was not protected properly from those particular slings and arrows. So I thought the old rhyme was false. After all, I was hurt by what my friend said, or my teacher or frequently, my mother.

So what did I do? I did the same thing I’d done in clod fights. I’d sling back and when or if that didn’t work, I’d retreat, fall back to a safe distance. Lick my wounds.

So you see, our physical lessons frequently transfer to our psychological lessons. In the case of a child who may be hurt physically, distancing from a parent, friend or teacher is always a good idea. For a child who is being psychologically, emotionally or otherwise mind impaired, they too can benefit from distancing, but without the proper training to protect oneself, the child may distance from everyone and everything their entire life. Never fully engaging in relationship or friendship, they remain lost within a self that was never nurtured fully to maturity.

The old sticks and stones rhyme is true. Names can never hurt someone who is secure in their own self. The job then, for us and for our children, is to build that security from within our selves. I call it true Homeland Security.

Homeland security is more than border patrol. Homeland security means we are free to pursue whatever we truly want. Knowing what we want is essential.

Knowing what we want is a psychological maturity that was never nurtured in many individuals. Frequently it was confused with the numbing processes of overindulgence, lack of choices or authority rule.

The best way to develop a sense of what you want is to provide choices. If a person has already reached maturity without the ability to know what they want, choices can be an overwhelming task.

When I was on a management track at a large corporation, it became clearly apparent that I was lacking in what was then called “decision making skills”. Fortunately for me, I had a manager at that time that was
a) a woman
b) a former nun
c) willing to mentor me
She and I set about “teaching” me to make decisions. I set up grids, I analyzed criteria, I went to a time management seminar and always, I reported back to my manager for clarity and for new challenges.

My manger was an exceptional person. She gave me everything she knew about making decisions, and included me in the ones she was making for the company. She kept a very clear demarcation between decisions I could participate in and decisions she alone could make. I was taught well by this, even though I was sometimes angry that I could not be included in everything.

Too many families in our culture have followed the rule of thumb that “what you don’t know won’t hurt you”. Thereby, falsely assuming their children were “protected from harm”.

Homeland security means the home is secure. The parents are partners. The children are learners. The environment is stimulating with enough risk that success with effort can be experienced. Homeland security is protection with respect for the individual.

When we are with another person who has proven to be hurtful to us in the past , distancing can be effective. But true security means we can be with that person and not be hurt. How does this happen?

I will leave that to another entry. This is enough for now.