Thursday, June 21, 2007

Finding The Past Creating the Future

Have you ever run across an old letter, poem or notes you wrote years ago? For me, it always seems like my own voice reaching out to my future me, (my now me) with an intention, a lament, an important point to remember when I find such a message.

Today, I rediscovered a poem written so long ago, so many years ago and so much pain ago. I am experiencing current pain and this poem reminded me of the point at which I rose from that past pain to create my present future. Here it is, written (I think) about 1969:

New Year's Resolution
This year I'm going to make my own mistakes
I'm all through with researching the facts in my library of friends.
I'm finished with mapping out the strategy to travel the Forrest of other people's feelings
This year it's sink or swim, dog paddle or float.
It's going to be my stroke and my decision it will be all mine
This year it's me -- like it or lump it.
I was 29 in 1969 and "finding" myself. Still ahead lay some years of struggle and conquest, fear and courage. But at that point, this intention served me long into this future time.
At present, I'm again struggling to stay centered in my own purpose, in my own authority, in ways that let in support and stave off victimhood. The struggle is less desperate, simply another confrontation and growth. Like the plant that must move and push to grow toward the sun, I am reaching out to myself, to others and to my next future self.
At a similar, but later point I wrote this little line:
Allow, Allow, Allow
My present future vow
I remember what a big deal it was to me to think that in the future I would live up to that vow. I have learned to Allow, I don't always do it until the pressures of my own doing remind me to let go and let God. Allow.

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